


The ghost of you

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: Best Friends, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gen, Leadership, Overthinking, Post-Power Rangers (2017), Self-Doubt, Survivor Guilt, Team Dynamics, Team as Family, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 02:43:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21067847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: Every time Jason closes his eyes, all he can think about is Billy, dying, dead, deathly still on the wet wooden boards of the docks at the old shipyard while Rita walks away laughing, "You're not worthy" and Kim is hunched over Billy, crying "He's dead" "Help me carry him!" and then Jason holds him as they plunge into the water below and-It's safe to say that Billy is sick of it. And maybe he didn't entirely understand, but he understood enough, and as long as he understood a little bit he could do something about it. He was good at fixing things.





	The ghost of you

For a long time after defeating Rita Repulsa, Jason still thought about Billy dying.

Not just thought about it, _dreamt_ about it. His every waking moment was filled with seeing Billy’s still, unresponsive form, waterlogged and pale. He woke up in the middle of the night, choking back the scream of Billy’s name stuck in his throat, and all he could see in the darkness was sickly green magic and darkness and Billy’s inevitable death. He’d open his window, jump out into the darkness and run until his chest burned and his bones ached and the sun came up, because he couldn’t focus on Billy’s open, unseeing eyes if he was paying more attention to putting one foot in front of the other and keeping an eye out for any left-over Putties and making sure he got home before his parents woke up and noticed him missing.

How was he supposed to be a leader when every time he looked at Billy he saw him dead at his feet? How was he supposed to make judgement calls for his team when he faltered at every opportunity? It wasn’t a football match where he had a certain play and rushed in without thinking about it because it could only result in good things, but now it was life or death, and if Jason made the wrong call, it wasn’t just his life on the line.

Kim rolled her eyes at him when he told her. “You’re overthinking this too much,” She’d say “Just go with your gut, and it should all work itself out.”

“The last time I went with my gut,” he’d retort, “I stole a cow and put it in the locker room of our rival school and got myself kicked off the football team.”

But she was right, of course. Jason did overthink things more than he liked to admit. Sometimes, on his way to the ship, walking on his own over mountains and rocky paths, he found himself lost in his own mind, running over every possible outcome both good and bad and sometimes he was so out of it that he realized that he was falling over the edge of the cliff and into the entrance to the ship only when he hit the water.

Jason cared a lot about Billy. He cared a lot about all of the Rangers, but Billy was the first friend he had made in so long, and he had helped Jason get out of his 7’o’clock house arrest and lent him his car for a few hours at the mines. He was a little strange and very different than the kind of people Jason was used to, but now that he had him in his life, Jason wouldn’t trade him for the world.

But Jason had lost him, just for a moment. He pushed when he should have waited, he faltered when he should have rushed in, and because of him and his incompetent moment of indecision, Billy died, and they had to carry his cold, limp body through town on their shoulders, and Jason held on to him while they drove off the cliff and back into the ship. He had held Billy’s head and wrapped his arms around his torso and he knew at that moment that he would never be able to touch Billy like that again, so he just held on to him, and tried not to think about how cold and clammy his skin was or how he couldn’t feel a pulse or heart-beat through his skin.

He tried not to think about it- if he did, he’d get overwhelmed by guilt at the fact that he was the reason Billy was like that in the first place. Well, when he said that he tried not to think about it, he _really_ meant that he tried not to think about it in front of the rest of the team. If they thought even for a second that Jason was still beating himself up about what happened, he’d never hear the end of it. The last thing he needed was for Kim to give him a lecture about being a team and how they all made the decision to follow him and Zach screaming into the ether about how dumb Jason was and for Billy to look away moments before Jason caught that sad look on his face.

Jason had caught that look before- when Billy would space out and stare into the distance, his mind on other, more important things, Jason would watch the sadness bleed into his features and waver in his eyes. He knew that it upset Billy how guilty Jason still felt about it. In Billy’s mind, it had nothing to do with Jason, and if Billy hadn’t have told Rita where the Zeo Crystal was, she would have killed Zach or Trini or Kim or Jason, so really it was the best possible outcome. At least, in Billy’s mind. And he would know- he had already run through every possible outcome and him dying was by far the best one. He didn’t like it, but it was the best one.

But Jason was like his dad. In some ways, that disgusted him, terrified him, even, but there was no denying that he got his impulsivity from Sam- he stole a fucking cow for gods sakes. Nobody could say he thought that through. He was a man of action. He beat up bullies without thinking about it. He defended those weaker than him without a second thought. He loved his friends without a care in the world because he knew they would do the same for him.

When Jason saw Billy lying there on the docks, dead in Kim’s arms... for the first time in his life since the car crash and the three days his dad left him to rot alone in jail, he froze. And Jason never froze. If you froze in football, you might end up with a concussion, or worse. He had to always keep on his toes, always moving, never standing still.

The moment Jason saw Billy stiff on the docks, his body refused to move. He faltered. He paused. He wavered. He froze. It took Zack elbowing him in the ribs and Kim screaming _“help me move him!”_ to startle him into action, and even then, it almost felt as if he were walking through a dream.

At the moment Jason most needed to lead his team, he couldn’t. He fucked up. Kim needed to take charge for him, and even then, he couldn’t give the order to carry him home. He was useless when he was needed most. Even begging Zordon to bring Billy back felt like a useless attempt, because Jason wasn’t fit to lead. He wasn’t fit to look after this team. They were all fuck-ups one way or another, and Jason felt like it was his job to keep them all together. But he fucked up. He always fucks up in the end.

He threw himself into being better- into training and leading and patrolling the streets for any of Rita’s left-over residue magic and absent Putties appearing where they weren’t wanted. He made sure all his team were ready for whatever was next, and that they knew he was there for them, no matter what, no matter when.

But still, after Rita’s disaster happening so long ago, Billy still looked at Jason sadly, as if he had just attended the funeral of a dead man who was now walking among him. Which was sort of how Jason felt when looking at Billy, but that was another story altogether.

“Hey,” Jason had said one day while the others were training in the Pit and Billy was sitting cross-legged on the boulder with a notebook in his hand. “Are you alright? You’ve seemed kind of... I don’t know, _off_ lately.”

Billy glanced up at him, rolling his pencil between his fingers, tapping the end on the paper and making a dull, hollow sound that Jason knew that he sometimes enjoyed. “Off how? Off as is not paying attention or off as in not looking well or...”

“Billy,” Jason said gently as he joined Billy on the rock. “You’re fine. Just that you seem... a little upset, is all. You’re all good? You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s all good,” Billy smiled. But then that smile slowly slipped off of his face and Jason felt his heart plummet to the bottom of the ocean. “Uh, actually. No, it’s not. I know I said it was, but that’s not true. I mean, I’m fine, but like, we all know that there’s a metaphorical elephant in the room...” he took a deep breath, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. “You uh... you guys know that I’m not dead, right?”

Time seemed to freeze. Apparently, nobody else had heard him, because they continued to get their ass kicked by simulations instead of turning to look at them, but Jason heard it, and that was enough to send a cold shiver down his spine. “Of course, Billy. What makes you say that?”

“It’s just that... you know,” Billy started to get uncomfortable. Jason looked away, worried that it was the expression on his face that was making Billy shift and twist his hands together. “You’ve been looking at me like I might fade away and moment now, and the others do too. When my dad died, I sometimes saw my mum looking at me the same way, and sometimes she would cry when I wasn’t looking, and when I was older, she told me how occasionally she would look at me and see my dad and sometimes she would feel a little better, you know, because she got to see him again just for a moment, but other times she would get even sadder because she knew she would never see him happy and alive again, and that’s the same look you guys sometimes give me. Like, I’m sure you don’t know that you’re even doing it, subconscious and all that, but I’ve seen it. I know what... what grief and guilt looks like. I felt it for a long time after my dad died, and I saw it in the mirror a while later. So uh, I know you guys feel bad about what happened, but it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”

“It wasn’t yours either, Billy,” Jason said quietly, still looking at the ground. He wasn’t sure what he would see if he looked up- the last thing he needed was for Billy to be looking at him with something akin to pity. That would be the _worst_.

Billy snorted. “Of course not,” surprise forced Jason’s head up and around. Out of all the things he had expected Billy to say, it wasn’t that. “I was tied up with fishing ropes and chains hanging from a boat. I might be a Power Ranger now, but I think even Zordon would have some trouble swimming with that obstacle in the way, even before he became just a grumpy head in the wall.”

Kim was watching them now- her eyes darting dangerously intently between Billy and Jason sitting alone on the rock. Even Trini and Zack, who were sparring with each other behind where Kim was training against some low-level Putties, were starting to slow down so they could keep an ear on the conversation as if they could feel the tension and anxiety and fear in the air between them.

Jason was blinking so fast he worried his eyes were going to pop out of his skull. He should really take a breath at some point. “Oh- yeah, right. I’ve never actually asked him if he could do that, to be honest,” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess I just want to make sure everyone’s alright. I’m the leader, after all- if I’m not looking out for the welfare of my team then what good am I?”

“Bullshit!” Zack called with his hands cupped around his mouth as he dodged a blow from Trini, who was trying and failing to hold back her laughter. Kim was still just... _watching_. “We all know that you look at Billy like a dog who's been kicked whenever his back is turned!”

Billy wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but Trini obviously thought it was funny, and Kim was starting to smile too, but Jason was scowling so deeply that his eyes were almost completely hidden by his furrowed brows and his lips were curved into a very serious frown. “Yeah, very funny Zack. How about you guys get lost for a little bit, yeah? Train somewhere else, far away from us. Go bother Zordon or Alpha 5 or something.”

Cackling at his joke, Zack let Trini pull him away from the Pit and through the large upward sliding gate that lead them to the Morphing Grid where Zordon was probably awaiting a long overdue update. After a moment, Kim followed them, and then Billy and Jason were left alone in the Pit again. Jason’s face was flushed bright red. “I know,” Billy said gently. “I know that you worry about us, and really, it feels nice to be worried about. I haven’t had friends... well, friends in general, but I’ve never had friends like you guys. Other than my mum, I didn’t have anyone to worry about me. When my dad died, it was just the two of us. We took care of each other. But now I have you guys, and we all look after one another, and it’ll still make me some getting used to, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You worry too much. There’s five of us- we can share the worry between us every now and again.”

He paused, looking down as if considering something that was bothering him. “Yeah Billy,” Jason filled in the silence. “I know that. I feel the same way with the rest of you. It’s nice not having the whole town to appease, you know? I guess I sort of forget that just because I’m the leader doesn’t mean that I’m the only one who can be concerned. You’re right.”

It was almost like Jason hadn’t spoken- Billy didn’t move and he didn’t reply, but he did look Jason in the eyes with an almost piercingly serious gaze and slowly, carefully, placed both his hands on Jason’s shoulders. Jason held his breath and tried not to move- he knew how much Billy disliked touching, and he rarely did it to anyone else. It happened, but it was rare. “Jason,” he said seriously, and Jason felt himself waiting on bated breath. “I’m not dead. You know that, right? I’m not dead. I’m here. Alive.”

Of course, Jason knew that of course he did, but hearing someone say it, Billy especially, was like a slap in the face. He didn’t know why- maybe he just needed someone to actually say it to him, instead of him sneaking glances at the back of Billy’s head, or searching him out in a crowd or calling him at random times of the day, and sometimes the night, just to make sure he was still alive and breathing.

Maybe he needed someone to tell him to wake the hell up and to pull his head from the sand. Maybe he needed someone to tell him that his nightmares were just dreams with a wicked spin. Maybe he needed someone to prove to him that worrying about everything wasn’t going to make it all better.

Or maybe he just needed Billy to look him in the eyes, his hands in his shoulders, a small smile curling the corners of his lips, that serious look in his eyes, and remind Jason in his own words that he wasn’t dead. “Yeah,” Jason replied quietly, his voice barely above a soft summer breeze. “Yeah Billy, I know. I know.”

“Good,” Billy sat back, satisfied, pulling his hands away and placing them in his lap. “Does that mean no more sad looks all the time?”

“I can make no promises,” Jason joked, and even though Billy didn’t always understand when people were joking, he laughed at Jason’s stupid goofy smile. “But I’ll try. No more sad looks.”

Nodding, Billy slid off the boulder and landed gracefully on his feet, turning back to look at Jason over his shoulder. “Are you ready to get going, now? Who the hell knows what the others are telling Zordon? We could have been kidnapped for all he knows right now.”

Laughing, Jason followed Billy’s lead and leapt down from the perch and followed him towards the ship, not a single thought of a dead Billy plaguing his mind for the rest of the day.


End file.
